I had always known.
All those times I had asked him if he looked at pornography he never gave me a direct answer.
My heart was shattered.
I felt like packing up, taking my child and leaving. But where would I go? I needed to finish school. I felt like I had married a stranger.
Why didn't he tell me?
Did he even love me? I felt ugly, worthless, angry, confused and very alone. I couldn't see past the despair. I never felt so hurt in my life. I felt like I had been cheated on. I was filled with bitterness. I couldn't even look at him. There was a sick feeling in my stomach I thought would never leave me.
I was alone.
I read anything that I could get my hands on about pornography. Instead of the comfort I expected, the articles and books brought me more bitterness.
How was I supposed to believe anything he said?
That night I remembered I had made plans about a week previous to go to a classmate’s house to study for math. I thought about calling and saying I couldn’t make it, but I knew I had to get help with my math. When she opened the door I tried to hide the anger and the sickness I had inside, but she immediately could tell something was amiss.
I tried to control myself, but I couldn't any more.
I told her what had happened and she looked at me very calmly, like she had already known. She sat down slowly next to me and told me that only after three weeks of marriage she found out her husband was addicted to pornography. I was in shock and also relieved. She had been married for almost three years now. She was still with her husband and seemed to have a happy marriage.
She told me very strongly that I had every right to be angry.
She also told me that even though I probably wouldn't believe it, my husband did not start looking at pornography because of me and that I was not to blame at all. She also promised me that if my husband was serious about repenting, our marriage would be OK and our love would be stronger than it ever had been before. I wanted to believe her, but at that moment having happiness in our marriage seemed hopeless. Then she told me:
"Heavenly Father will never fail you".
She was an angel to me that night.
The Bishop instructed me to focus on making myself whole. What he meant by this was for me to work on my relationship with my Father in Heaven. He told me to watch my child while he was sleeping and to think of the love I felt for my own child. He (the Bishop) then said to focus on how my Heavenly Father loves me. I needed to just focus on myself and let my husband focus on his own problems. This was hard for me to hear but I trusted the Bishop. I felt at peace for the first time in over seventy-two hours.
The night I entered my son’s room and sat beside his bed was a moment I will never forget. As I sat watching him he looked so peaceful and then I noticed the song playing on the CD player was ‘I am a Child of God’. Tears of love came to my eyes. I loved this little child so greatly. Words cannot explain the type of love a parent has for a child, but it is very strong. Then I started thinking about my spirit and how I not only had a Heavenly Father, but also a Heavenly Mother who cared for me.
I came to realize the power of HOPE. This hope is in my Father in Heaven.
